He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
