Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Randomize
