The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
