I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
