Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
