Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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