accomplished twins. life is a go
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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