he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I want a musical about memes.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
