I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
