I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Congratulations! We have a period
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