I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
God I need to hump something, right now.
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