Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
