this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
