she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
