can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
