my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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