I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
this hospital has no fireball
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Drunk is a universal language darling
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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