I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The uberlube is also flammable
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
