I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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