I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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