hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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