I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
