Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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