I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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