I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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