but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My vagina just recognized that song.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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