Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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