my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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