tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
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Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
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I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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