im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
