Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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