billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just found puke in my bra..
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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