I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Randomize
