another moral hangover. fuck.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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