i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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