So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
