i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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