Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
