I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
