..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Randomize
