so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
