I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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