was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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