My girlfriend figured out who you are.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
zippers are such a cool invention
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
