Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
