Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
