WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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