Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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