can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
