please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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