My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
