That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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