My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
