I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
