he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
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