at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Randomize
