Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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