Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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