I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
