she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
