broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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