I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
